I've been in youth ministry since 1981 which means that I've lived through this self esteem movement that was very popular throughout the '80s and '90s. I remember talking about this in my youth ministry classes at college. I remember when I heard the first sermons from my mentors pushing self esteem and thinking how powerful those messages were and how I hoped I could come up with my own version that would be as brilliant as theirs. I remember when public schools adopted self esteem curriculum and Christian assembly speakers would "sell" themselves to the school to do an assembly as an extension of that curriculum.

All these years later, I'm afraid we all got the wrong "self." Self control is what we should have been teaching all along.

The fruit of all this self esteem teaching is today's teens have been taught to put themselves first. Not in a spoiled way but in a way where they take it for granted that they should feel good about themselves. That they are all special and they take that for granted. They assume that they all deserve to follow their dreams. Today's teens have been taught to value who they are, not what they do to become who they are. All good stuff except this self esteem was not gained. It was endowed upon them at birth. Praise based on nothing teaches only an inflated ego.

For example, arguing over grades has become commonplace for students. Ask the teachers you know, they will gladly vent about this problem of teaching. So suppose a high school student failed a test. If the student acknowledges that he/she was lazy about studying or just plain stupid, self esteem will suffer. But if you can blame the teacher's unfair test, you can slide through the experience and still feel good about yourself.

Have you experienced this attitude with your teens? Have you found it hard to name sin sin? Or have you found youth (and sadly some parents) try to explain sin away with some victimization attached to it? This is a frustrating problem. To place the blame on self esteem curriculum is not the sole answer but it does play a part.

Not only have our teens been born with self esteem at birth (this generation is often referred to as the most-wanted generation of children ever), children and teens have been given teachers, coaches and parents who have actively poured enormous amounts of attention and resources into them. Paradoxically the more they are poured in to, the less full many of these teens seem to be. Indulged, coddled, pressured, and micro-managed on the outside, teens have been inadvertently deprived of the opportunity to develop a self on the inside which is the core part of adolescent development. They've got the self esteem in tact but the self is not. I am not the only one saying this. Many of the leading adolescent psychologists and culture watchers are also saying this. Plus decades of research now show that high self esteem does not cause good grades or good behavior.

From one of those leading adolescent psychologists and her book, The Price of Privilege(recommended reading): "Parents pressure their children to be outstanding, while neglecting the very process by which outstanding children are formed. 'Outstanding' is not about grades, trophies, high status, or recognition by others, although it certainly may include these things. In and of themselves, these things tell us nothing about a person's psychological health. ...From a psychologist's point of view, outstanding children are those who have developed a 'self' that is authentic, capable, loving, creative, in control of itself, and moral." (Madeline Levine, The Price of Privilege)

I'm afraid we all got the wrong "self." Self control is what we should have been teaching all along. Self control defined is to be in control of one's attitudes or thoughts, desires or passions and patterns or habits so they do not dictate one's behavior. Self control is a much better predictor of life outcomes than self esteem. Plus the ability to control one's self becomes its own reward as teens grow to feel authentic and capable. And we know self control is one of the fruits of the Spirit.

Self control contains all of those things researchers had hoped self esteem would--but hasn't.

You as a youth worker cannot undo the wrong the culture has done with the self esteem curriculum. But you do have a role of affecting the culture with the truth of God, and the Bible has much to say about self control. I've thrown a lot of psychobabble (good but still psychobabble) at you which only paints a broad picture of what you see in today's youth. What you do with this is up to you but do let me pass on some Wild Frontier ideas which you can use in your role:

• Of course, teach on self control. The first reference to self control in the New Testament is Acts 24:24-25 - "Several days later Felix and his wife Drusilla, who was Jewish, went to the place where Paul was kept under guard. They sent for Paul and listened while he spoke to them about having faith in Christ Jesus. But Felix was frightened when Paul started talking to them about doing right, about self control, and about the coming judgment." Hmmm...the message Paul gave Felix at the end of his life was about self control. It must have been important.
• Be an example of self control and how to live a life of self control. We know we are to be living examples so what a better way to show our teens what a life of self control (or success) looks like by randomly talking often about the decisions you make concerning self control in your everyday life. I'm sure one of the reasons you were hired or nominated for your youth ministry position is because you demonstrated a life of self control already. Self control as found in 1 Timothy 3:2 is one of the qualities of church leaders. For you self control may be such an ordinary part of your every day life that this Pair of Cleats is just a reminder that your teens don't know the tricks of living a life of self control like an adult does. Verbally and non-verbally pass on those skills
• Live an organized life. One of the more frustrating stumbling blocks for students at school who have a hard time achieving is their inability to organize their school supplies to complete a task. When they eventually get the desire to finish the project or assignment, their materials are such a mess that to sort through the mess is too discouraging to finish the task. This is an issue of self control. As you are living your life as an example of self control, organization may or may not be a struggle for you. However, it is still important to be organized for a thousand other reasons with one being an example of self control.
• Rules are needed. Teens need to feel a sense of ownership of their own behavior. Not only is this a part of self control, it is a part of adolescent development. School teachers are taught to create this kind of classroom environment by discussing rules and sanctions, giving choices, listening to students, and caring about how students feel. That sounds like youth ministry, minus the rules and sanctions. Or do you have rules and sanctions? We've discussed the importance of rules before in The Youth Ministry Essential 55, The Connecting Authority Figure and The Wild Frontier Youth Ministry Pardigm
• It's not all good. I am a long-suffering Minnesota Viking fan. Such fans are long-suffering because we've had around 14 years of poor coaching which has tarnished our "Purple People Eaters" legacy. Thankfully we have a new owner and a new coach who have pledged to bring us back to our legacy. In the October issue of ESPN The Magazine there is an article about our new coach, Brad Childress. To quote from the article: "He's (Childress) trying to change what he calls the 'it's all good' 'tude that has infected a generation and a franchise." To this Childress said, "You wanna drink a case of beer, you wanna stay out all night? Guys tell each other, 'It's all good,' No one wants to tell a teammate, 'Hey, get your head out of your (butt).'" That is also your job as a youth leader to your teens. Someone has to tell them that it's not all good.
• Help teens to figure out how to get from A to B. Teens still want to make a difference with their lives. They believe that people should follow their dreams and not be held back by societal expectations as they live out those dreams which will change the world (another fruit of self esteem). However, ambition doesn't always equal what gets done. The thought process to get from A to B is not always clear. The fourteen year old girl in your youth group may attack you for your lack of social consciousness because you don't recycle the garbage while she leaves a trail of straws, wrappers and styrofoam at the fast-food restaurant. Or what about that future NBA player in your youth group who can't pass algebra or doesn't try to pass algebra? Like parents, you are another significant adult that can help bring their ambitions into a real plan.
• Correct mistakes. This is an uncomfortable and sticky part of youth ministry but it is also needed. From the book, Generation Me, "Children learn by having their mistakes corrected, and their self esteem is hurt when they later find out that they've been doing something wrong for years and aren't prepared. 'We are in danger of producing individuals who are expert at knowing how they feel rather than educated individuals who know how to think,' writes education professor Maureen Stout. Children will feel good about themselves--and rightly so--when they develop real skills and learn something. Children also need to learn how to deal with criticism, in preparation for the inevitable day when it is not delivered as gently as you--or they--would like. We are doing young people an enormous disservice by sending them into an increasingly competitive world thinking they will be praised for substandard work." (Generation Me, Jean M. Twenge, pp. 223-224) We are preparing youth for adulthood so this uncomfortable and sticky part needs to also be a part of youth ministry. We love to be that significant other adult in our teens' lives but if we are truly going to be that significant other adult, we also have to correct teens. It is also a parental role but if we don't partner with the parents in this, we are just the "good guy."

In closing, remember this great foundation verse: 2 Peter 1:5-7 - For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self control; and to self control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. There is a teaching outline for your next year.