Teenager as a Noun

Originally published June 2001.

A faux dictionary definition of teenager:

1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets (See Sloths). Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether (See Parents). Very territorial. (See It's My Room, Stay Out of My Room.)

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent that they will forego family, chores, food, and responsibility (See Parents, Quotations Of). The males of the species forage for food constantly (See McDonald's) and can consume three times their weight every day. Some females too but some also eat small amounts until they get into their nests where they gorge out.


When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous (See Parents, Quotations Of). The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development (See Clothes, Barely There). Males indicate their approval by staring at the display (See Parents, Heart Attacks Of). The call of the female is complex and shrill. Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?" (See Education, Failure Of).

Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. Often talking to the male species who won't admit it to other male species.

When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders "I'm doing my homework. My homework." (See Education, How To Do the Minimum and Get By, under Failure Of). They lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors.

Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one (See Stress) or more than one (See Extreme Stress) Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice (See College).

This species has a specific need for adrenaline (see Challenge) that seems to pass as they mature. Often it is squelched too early by those of this species who have grown older. It is done under the guise of protecting the young but it is really done for the comfort of the elders.

2) Of, relating to, and especially explaining irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager.")

3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. ("I have a Teenager at home.") Often accompanied by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.

4) A name for a group that knows no limits to the power of God and desires to see this displayed in their lives (see Possibilities, Endless.) To know that their lives are making a difference which is a reason why this group often acts the way it does. Often accompanied with fervent worship and times when they quietly sit with no television sets or other electronic signals on. They say they are praying and seeking the will of their Creator (see God's Design.) The silent times are very rare for this species but it changes those groups that do it.

This fervency is only available to Teenagers. Soon elder responsibilities (see Marriage and Family, Doing it Right) take over thus making these years a special and purposeful time (see Possibilities, Endless). It is also a way to feed that adrenaline need that this group has (see Challenge).

When other homo sapiens come into contact with this group, the word "teenagers" leaves a proud smile on their faces.

Aren't they the most wonderful "species" to work with? We enjoy their quirks, whisper prayers of thanks that we are passed those stages, and feed off of there life, energy and possibilities. Just what if? What if they get a hold of God at this age? The possibilities are endless. This is why we do what we do-- and love it.